The Gnawing Pain of Society’s Beauty

Hello, this is an important issue and I was inspired by another blogger’s personal testimony to share my own.

The thing most people notice about this sixteen year old girl is normally that she’s loud, sarcastic and skinny.  I can’t remember how many people have hugged me and then commented “darn you’re skinny!” Because I’m loud and athletic most people don’t notice this until they hug me or stand next to me. But I notice. I wasn’t always like this I use to be a healthy average sized teenage girl. But than what happened? Life happened. Simple I can’t blame it on any one thing but the truth is that I’ve always had low self esteem and I channelled that into perfecting myself.

Over the course of my adolescent years I first acquired a make up obsession, like no I’m an athletic not very girly person. It wasn’t because I was afraid to break a nail and that stereotypical things. No I was scared to death about being ugly. Being rejected by girls. Being rejected by guys. So from grade seven to grade eleven no one saw me without make up. My parents and siblings didn’t see me without make-up until I was in grade ten. I still normally wear make up everyday but I’m comfortable not wearing it for the most part it still has that gnawing pain that I’m ugly without it’s advancements.

I became even more insecure which led to me developing an eating disorder when I was in grade eight. And this is my focus of this post I want to tell anyone going down this path that it is not worth it. It is one of the most horrible things that will ever happen to anyone.

An eating disorder, primarily I’m speaking of Anorexia Nervosa which is what I have is as dangerous as any addiction. Like any addiction it is something that never goes away, you will have those thoughts for the rest of your life. They can be suppressed by treatment but you have to grasp, that unlike an addiction to marijuana or something you consume you can take those things away. You can’t take away your body, you are forced with that decision always. For the rest of your life.

I’ve been better and I’ve been worse in the last three plus years but I can never get rid of it. Every time I look in the mirror I don’t see what I look like to other people. I see a warped body image I can’t see myself as skinny.  It’s actually a little freaky to think I actually can’t perceive what I look like.

I’m also always freezing and can’t get warm because I don’t have enough fat in me, I use to love spending time outside now I start shivering severely after only a few minutes. This is only one example of how it has severely changed my life.

You might ask what made me recover? Well, I’m not recovered I won’t be , I’m just forced to decide whether I give into it every time I consume anything and feel miserably guilty. But what helped quench some of its hold on my life was when in the height of my struggle. I could not stand up straight without the feeling that my rib cage was going to collapse. It was one of the most painful experiences I’ve had. Every day I walked around and people wondered why I always leaned on walls or  lockers. But in despite of that I probably would of continued in my dangerous behaviour if it had not of been for a few friends that had been there for me.

So I didn’t write this to have a sob story because the least I want is people to feel sorry for me.

I wrote this in order that whoever out there is struggling with weight or any insecurities would understand the risks involved with this behaviour and I pray you won’t make the same mistakes that I am still paying the consequences for.

If you are not then be ever mindful of your friends and those you encounter you don’t know what influence you are having on those you don’t even know are struggling; I know this as fact in my own life.

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