I have heard the same remark countless times in the last year ‘it’s 2017 you can’t assume someone’s gender.‘ It is a joke. To me it is a slap in the face. I don’t meet the definition of female and yet I am one. One who is left lacking and baffled.
Sex is determined by genitalia, chromosomes and hormones. The issue comes to me that though my parts and chromosome are correct I have a rare hormonal disorder that decreases my estrogen while increasing my testosterone. Which effects the way I think and act as I have fairly equal amount of estrogen and testosterone.
It is not uncommon for me to have several months with no period and the way that I think seems to be different. I don’t know how all the ways my brain differs from other women. As I have never been inside a ‘normal’ girl’s head but I do know my gender is oftentimes foreign to me. I have never wanted to be guy or not wanted to be a girl. But I have never resonated with being a girl either. When a class exercise had us use the most important descriptions for us every other person’s first thing was their gender. I didn’t even mention mine.
There is the belief of binary genders and there is the belief of a continuum between male and female. If I subscribed to a gender continuum than I would be on cusp of female and non binary. The thing is I believe that the Bible is the infallible word of God and if that is true than there is only male and female. There is no in between however slight. I cannot be a girl because I have female anatomy and two x chromosomes and then deviate slightly from ‘completehood’ because my hormones don’t line up. I feel as if I made the team but ended up as the mascot. Not quite tall enough to ride. It is not that I don’t want to be a girl I have never wanted anything else and yet I feel like a fraud.
I didn’t know if I should write about this because though I do feel estranged from my gender and I do feel lacking as I will never experience basic elements of being female like having children. I have made my peace with what I have. But then I consider everyone who their gender identity is a more complex situation. They don’t feel right with themselves and their existence seems like a flaw itself. I think of how much I struggled with not loathing myself even though I had easy out.
It is a hard choice for an individual with gender dysphoria to make. Whether to act on their feelings or to wait?
What does it mean to endure being Transgendered or genderfluid and the blacklash and limitations that it entails?
As a Christian how does one reconcile one’s feelings with one’s faith and if one cannot what path to take?
What if one is part of the 0.5 percent of the population that is intersex and shares both or neither sex’s genitalia?
One thing I know is it is not funny and joking about it is not sensitive, loving or helpful. Whether you think in binary or continuum there is no excuse for hate or belittling. It is a subject that needs to be talked about more within the church. Even if it is only to understand the feelings gender dysphoria causes. Loving someone you disagree with does not compromise your morals.
I don’t know the answers to these questions I have some experience myself with gender dysphoria and I know and love people who identify as non binary and transgendered. But I am no closer to reconciling what I believe and the stories I know.
Please leave your thoughts,